Should Narcissistic Grandparents Be Kept Away From Their Grandchildren (and Our Children)?

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I admit I've asked myself this question many times, and as a therapist I encountered (again) this week a client asking herself these exact same questions. There are complicated layers here: Will the grandparents actually harm the grandchildren the way they harmed me? Can I generally trust them to recognize my children's needs? Will they turn my children against me, against my partner, or against each other?

1. When I told my children about my decision to avoid contact with my mother, I told them it was fine if they wanted to stay in touch with her. In practice, it was hard — my children each reacted differently.
2. I told my children that wherever they aren't treated with respect, as equals — even if it's close family — it's completely fine to cut contact, if they need that space to protect their own well-being.
3. As for the question of Jewish law – I consulted with my community rabbi, who told me that the commandment to honor your parents refers to normative families. Our first duty is to protect our own well-being, and even if that means cutting contact with abusive family members, we can still treat them with respect.

The article I translated is taken from Psychology Today magazine.

5 Mistaken Assumptions About Narcissistic Grandparents

1. My parent will be better to my children than they were to me – the belief that our narcissistic parents will care more about their grandchildren than they cared about us is a kind of illusion that masks our own self-blame.
2. My parent has mellowed with age – narcissists actually respond to loss and the difficulties of aging by digging further into their own views, denial, and projecting their feelings onto others.
3. The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents must be preserved – it's important to always remember that for narcissists, relationships are always transactional.
4. My children won't be affected by the problems between me and my parent – children learn from their parents and the other people around them how to treat others.
5. I can fully protect my children from my parent's narcissism – the reality is that we can't do this perfectly; some of the effect will seep through.

Narcissism is a generational disorder with a traumatic impact on everyone exposed to it.

Common Things Narcissistic Grandparents Do

Narcissistic grandparents do the same neglectful, abusive things narcissists of any age do, but there are a few behavior patterns that come up again and again:

1. They'll judge your behavior and/or your partner's.
2. They'll ignore your family's values and rules.
3. They'll control through money, gifts, restaurant meals, vacations, and the like.
4. They'll create a dynamic where one child is favored while their sibling becomes the scapegoat.
5. They'll do the same thing between the families of different siblings.
6. They'll sort family members into categories.
7. They'll use gifts and food as a "weapon."
8. They'll create triangles between siblings and their families (incitement).
9. They'll encourage conflict and distance between you and your children.
10. They'll encourage conflict and distance between you and your partner.
11. They'll use you or your children to show off, or to get sympathy and attention from friends and acquaintances.
12. They'll control through promises and threats around inheritance.

Some adult children of narcissistic parents will limit or end contact with their parents entirely, in order to protect their own children and themselves. Others will find ways to maintain some kind of relationship. Whatever the choice, everyone involved loses something. That is the tragic reality of narcissism.