Things I've Learned Along the Way – A Blog on Narcissistic Abuse – This Time, on the Desire for Revenge

A few days ago, while browsing Facebook groups for survivors of narcissism, I came across a post where someone asked, "How can I get revenge on narcissists?" It's a legitimate question, of course. People who've been hurt over a long period of time in ways that are so deceptive, belittling, manipulative, emasculating, humiliating, and so on — and then suddenly we had some kind of realization, and understood that we'd actually been misled, used, and hurt.

The feelings that surface and overwhelm us are almost unbearable (and liberating at the same time — after all, it finally has a name). Anger floods in, along with the insult, the sense of humiliation, immense pain. These strong, difficult feelings often lead to a desire for revenge.

But if we sit with that desire and really examine it, understand where it comes from, we can channel it somewhere that actually helps us cope with a crisis like this:

In times of crisis we use up all the energy we have to cope with what's happening to us. Energy isn't unlimited, so it's worth conserving it to deal with our own struggles.
Revenge doesn't faze narcissists. If you actually go through with it, it will only cast them as the victim and help them hurt you even more.
When we deal with the narcissist in our life, we're also dealing with the people around them — and most people won't even understand what we're talking about.
When it comes to a narcissistic partner, and there are children involved, the most important thing is to protect them and not drag them into the conflict.
The feeling of revenge is only momentary and won't resolve your struggle with narcissists. In fact, your sweetest revenge is to leave them behind and move forward with your life.