The Narcissistic Family

Meanings and Explanations

By "a family driven by narcissism," we mean that one or both parents suffer from a personality disorder called narcissism. This isn't the everyday sense of "narcissism" used when someone is being self-centered — it's narcissism in the clinical, pathological sense, meaning that narcissistic people relate to the world as though it exists to serve their own purposes. They don't understand love or giving, and act solely out of what benefits them. Narcissists lack empathy, are manipulative, and won't hesitate to use any means necessary to get what they want. They can insult, humiliate, and hurt others — all to inflate their own ego and feel better about themselves.

From the outside, it's hard to identify a family like this, because it's built on concealment, lies, incitement, and more. Children and spouses in such a family are expected to admire the narcissistic parent and do only what benefits that parent and presents them positively to the outside world — otherwise they're cast out of the family, sometimes even persecuted, humiliated, and so on.

In a family driven by narcissism, children's feelings, wishes, dreams, and so on aren't given any legitimacy. Children are expected to fulfill their parents' desires. In this kind of family, the parents' own feelings are projected onto the children, to the point of distorting reality itself.

In a family driven by narcissism, there are no boundaries between the narcissistic parent and the children — they are an extension of the parent. Obey, and you remain part of it; disobey, and you're cast out into the world.

In her article on family dynamics, Karyl McBride explains how the narcissistic parent-child relationship actually plays out:

Secrets – the terrible secret at the heart of the family is that the narcissistic parent doesn't fulfill the basic parental role of being attuned to the children's needs.
Image – in a narcissistic family, everything revolves around image, and the narcissistic family is presented as "wonderful, strong, united, problem-free, and essentially perfect."
Negative messages – children receive both verbal and nonverbal messages that they're "not good enough as they are."
No parental hierarchy – in a narcissistic family this hierarchy doesn't really exist; the children are expected to serve the parent's needs.
Attunement to children's needs – narcissistic parents are incapable of being attuned to their children.
Lack of effective communication – "family triangles" – indirect communication.
Unclear boundaries – there are very few boundaries in a family driven by narcissism.
When one parent is narcissistic, the other is typically an enabling parent.
Siblings aren't encouraged to be close to one another.
Feelings – feelings are ignored and never discussed.
Messages that the children are "not good enough" – both open and hidden.
Dysfunction, overt or covert – the dysfunction of these families is usually never shown to the outside world.

Children in a narcissistic family, once grown, don't really understand "what's wrong with them." They feel anger without even understanding what it's about, and they often experience anxiety and depression without understanding at all how they got there.

Karyl McBride's Five-Step Method for treating grown sons and daughters who grew up in the shadow of narcissistic parents offers hope and healing. If you have questions, please feel free to reach out to me.