Triangulation, or "Triangles" Within the Narcissistic Family

When we talk about triangles in family relationships, we mean the indirect passing of information within the family. Instead of speaking directly, information is passed with the intention that it reach a specific person through someone else. This creates an unreliable narrative. Narcissists don't want family members talking openly and directly with one another, because that would let them dig into all kinds of issues and problems, use their own judgment, and uncover the lies and manipulation the narcissist is running on the family.

In the narcissistic family, communication is used as a weapon rather than a tool. It's really a manipulative tactic aimed at creating a "divide and conquer" dynamic, while also making sure the narcissist always stays at the center of things.

One of the problematic things about triangulation, especially when children are young, is passing along information that isn't age-appropriate. Information that doesn't suit a child's age leaves lasting scars, causing confusion and difficulty trusting other people.

In cases of triangulation between parents and their child — say, when there are marital problems — the child becomes a kind of channel for passing information to the other parent, and ultimately serves as a tool for the parents to attack each other with. As the years go by, the young children who grew up under a narcissistic parent become adults who often feel as if they're moving through a chaotic world. More on trauma and post-traumatic stress among survivors of narcissism in the next post.